Cersei tries Online Dating
by spicymermaid16
Summary: Cersei decides to try online dating. Please review if you'd like me to write more chapters :)
1. Chapter 1

Cersei Lannister looked at the computer screen in front of her. .com. She had finally decided to give online dating a shot. Anything would be better than being forced to marry that shitass tyrell boy. She entered her details in

NAME: cersei Lannister

SEX:

Cersei paused. Sex… hm…

SEX: hot, kinky sex

ERROR came up on the screen.

She retyped

SEX: Any sex is fine

ERROR persisted. She drummed her nails on the computer.

SEX: duh

ERROR

"PYCELLE!"she screamed. Maester Pycelle ran in. "what is this?" Cersei demanded. Pycelle sighed. "Sex, my queen, as in Gender." Oh. Cersei thought. Pycelle exited

SEX: female

ORIENTATION: straight-ish

AGE: 32

IM LOOKING FOR?:

She thought hard and typed in

IM LOOKING FOR?: Hot guys. Preferable if they look like Jaime or Rhaeger Targaryen. Must be up to any shit I want them to do. No fuckwits like Loras Tyrell, thank you. And wine, yes, they must love wine.

DESCRIBE YOURSELF:

She stopped again and pondered

DESCRIBE YOURSELF: Im the sexiest woman in westeros, I enjoy drinking and saracasm. I'm kind and sweet but you do not want to try and fuck with me (note: literally fucking me is fine though) or you're in deep shit.

She stretched her arms and smiled.

YOUR ACCOUNT ON HOTDATE IS CONFIRMED. WELCOME, CERSEI LANNISTER.

She pressed on a pink option on the top of her home page on hotdate. It said "matches for you". The page loaded as she waited excitedly. A list popped up

TYRION LANNISTER  
MATCH: 97%  
INFORMATION: I LIKE SEXY WOMEN, WINE, AND TITS. ;)  
RESEMBLES JAIME LANNISTER  
MESSAGE TYRION LANNISTER?

Cersei screamed. WHAT THE FUCK TYRION?  
A message popped up at the bottom of the screen.  
"TYRION LANNISTER HAS SENT YOU A MESSAGE!"  
she clicked it  
 _"Looking for someone to replace our dear brother huh? Sexiest woman on westeros eh cersei?"_  
she typed angrily

" _fuck off Tyrion. Looking for more whores?"_  
 _"why yes! Are you offering?"_  
 _"Im telling father"_  
 _"Telling father what? That youre a whore?"_  
she ignored him

2) BRAN STARK  
MATCH: 80%  
INFORMATION: IMMA A GOOD BOY IN THE DAY AND A MOTHAFUCKA AT NIGHT ;) SEXY WOMEN ARE MA FORTE AND I HAVE A CRUSH ON THE QUEEN.. EVER SINCE I SAW HER TITS AT THE TOWER IN WINTERFELL... LAY IT ON ME BABE ;)

NOT A TYRELL  
MESSAGE BRAN STARK?

Cersei choked. The stark kid….?

NO MORE MATCHES L PERHAPS UPDATE YOUR PREFERNCES?

Wait.. she had only two matches.. the stark kid and Tyrion? She facepalmed so hard that the red keep shook.

Cersei got mad. She typed in "Jaime Lnannister"in the search box. Jaime had to be on this shitty website.. why didn't they get a match?

Sure enough, Jaime's Profile loaded up

NAME: JAIME LANNISTER"  
SEX: MALE  
ORIENTATION: STRAIGHT  
INFORMATION: IM HOT FUCK ALL OF YOU (:  
HE'S LOOKING FOR: I THINK THE DRAGON QUEEN IS LIKE REALLY HOT… I USED TO FUCK MY SISTER FOR FUN BUT NOW I WANT THE SILVER CHICK LIKE RLLY BAD… DANY BABE IF YOURE READING THIS THEN LETS SHAG ;)

Cersei fainted.


	2. Chapter 2

chapter 2

Cersei logged in to hotdate

Time to get Jaime back

First, she decided to check up on that piece of shit brother stealer silver chick's profile. She searched "piece of shit silver chick" oh wait she has a name she thought... what was it? Hoenaerys? something tar something.. shit...

"PYCELLE?"

"yes my queen?"

"whats the silver shit's name? the piece of crap with all the dragons and shit?" she snapped her fingers

"daenerys..."

"O YA! THENKS BABEX" cersei exclaimed

daenerys' profile popped up. her display pic was a picture of her wearing a bright yellow dress. Pish. she looks like a soggy omelette. And those chunky white heels O lord. She flipped to the second pic. Hoenaerys back at it again with those white heels. Damn someone needed new shoes, she cringed. My white vans are so much more stylish HONESTLY. Cersei rolled her eyes. Next pic. Daenerys posing with a crusty old man.. wait... was that JoRAH MORMONT? ARE THEY GOING OUT?/ HAHAHAhAHAHAHAh wait till Jaime sees this, she smirked.

She clicked on the message option above Daenerys' profile

 _"lay off my brother"_

NEW MESSAGE FROM DAENERYS TARGARYEN

 _"Your brother? You're the one I'm after hottie..."_

 _"what? have u gone mental, hoenaerys? "_

 _"AWWW YOU HAVE A NICKNAME FOR ME! HOENARYS! THATS SO FRICKING CUUUTE OML FANGIRLING GOTTA TEXT JORAH ABT THIS1!1!"_

 _"..." "I DONT like u"_

 _"but i... i think i love u... i used to have a crush on Margaery but I realised that i like them blonde ;)))))))))"_

Cersei vomited. she clicked on BLOCK USER. Never communicated with psyco lesbo sliver haired chick again.

STANNIS BARATHEON POSTED ON YOUR WALL  
" HEY BABY WILL YOU BE MY JALEBI DONT SAY MAYBE ;)))) - stannizzle the chizzle fizzle"

Cersei turned pale. She clicked on stannis' profile.

The front picture was a shot of Stannis in red armani sunglasses, a hawaiian t shirt, holding a cocktail with his arms around melisandre and caitlyn stark dressed in swimsuits. it was captioned "mE aNd mY mAiN HoEz :)(: "

Cersei fainted (again)


	3. Chapter 3

chapter 3

Cersei decided that it was time for some serious action if she wanted to find someone to marry. Too bad rhaeger wasnt on this crappy website. He was hot. Like really hot. She drummed her fingers on the desk. hmmmmm. who else was there who was rich, of high birth and hot? ROBB STARK! she snapped her fingers. Wait. My father killed him. And I hate him. Who else? Hmmmm stannis was rich... but not hot no he was literally old enough to be her grandfather, she shuddered. And what a ladies man, that stannis! It would never do to marry Robert the Second. A thought entered her head

... I could always marry Daenerys... she's kinda hot...and she looks like Rhaeger... I could ask her to chop off her hair and let her facial hair grow for a bit... Oh man she'd look so hot then. I could ask that idiot pycelle to give her some testosterone shots! Cersei snapped her fingers and clapped her hand onto the table. Damn! Wait but wasnt gay marriage illegal in Westeros? Goddammit. She rejected the idea even though she was sweating and her heart was racing just thinking about it. Dont think about the silver cow no matter how hot she is dont dont dont cersei, she told herself

She sighed and clicked on preferences, adding some details to see more matches. Last try, she promised herself.

"I WANT A HOT RICH MAN. I REPEAT, _MAAAAANNN_ "

At once, the matches sign blinked. Cersei smiled. The first one said

"EDDARD STARK'S GHOST

Description: Imma hot young rich nigga I got no worries I got no soul Im just a wolf howlin in the heavens waitin for ma womaannn (PS F**CK OFF CATELYN I WANT A YOUNG ONE NOT A SAGGY OLD COW LIKE U!) "

Oh Lord.

second one:

"TYRION LANNISTER"

wait whaat, didnt she already get Tyrion?

She messaged him

" _Why did you come on my thing twice?"_

 _"I have two accounts, sister, the women can never get enough of me ;)))"_

 _"You are SUCH a despo"_

 _"I'm on this site looking for hoes, youre here looking for a HUSBAND. Isnt it clear who's the despo here?"_

 _"SCREW YOU TYRION, FATHER SHALL HEAR ABOUT THIS"_

 _"oh, he's on this website too, looking for hoes."_

 _"WHAATT?"_

 _"Yes, I hear he and that spawn of Aerys', the hoenaerys girl, they hit off pretty well."_

 _"WTF?"_

"My Lady?', Pycelle walked into the room

"what? "cersei snapped

"Your Lord father sent a message. He is to be embarking on a journey across the narrow sea to Meereen, I hear"

"WHAT? WHY?"

"Something about a hoe.. His exact words were 'Im going to go screw that exotic silver hoenaerys. dont tell anyone or ur dead meat old man'. Idk whats a hoenaerys tho. Maybe some sort of animal idk"

Cersei jumped off the roof


	4. Chapter 4

Cersei jumped off from the window. As she was catapulted in the air, iridescent fireworks exploded in the air and the peasants in flea bottom yelled ' _HOORAY!_ ' But unfortunately cersei was only on the first floor so she landed in the grass and at one sat up _and_ middle fingered the presents with _both hands. MAN_ that chick is hardcore. And she also yelled some F words. And she also told them to kiss her ass. Yeah. And she also pulled her dress up and pointed her old woman saggy butt at them. And she also peed in the bushes because that chick is _hardcore._

so she broke a couple of leg bones but she was back in front of the computer screen again even tho the doctor told her not to use it. I mean the maester told her not to use it. Yeah.

logging in to hot date (obviously she logged out before jumping so that nasty pycelle couldn't spy on her messages) she _realised_ that she forgot her password.

She tried "iluvrhaeger" but it didn't work. Hmmm. Next "cerseijaime123" not that either. Aha! "margaerycansuckmydick" It worked! Hallelujah! Ftw cersei thought, middle fingering the air.

oooooooh! Two new matches! Omg! She clicked on the first one, full of anticipation

Name: THEON GREYJOY

Description: The name's Greyjoy. Theon Greyjoy. Pisces. Billionaire philanthropist. 007. Ladies man. Rated X. DM me for some fun.

Cersei pursed her lips and clawed at the curtains. She went on message

Cersei: _hi, dickless :)_

Theon: _hey babe, looking for some fun? ;)_

Cersei _: maybe if you go ask melisandre to help you grow another dick then sure =)))_

Theon _: YOUR MOM SUCKS COCK IN HELL_

Cersei shrugged. She probably does, she thought, I would.

Ok next match, this site was hopeless. Ooh the next match was freaking hot. He had a big hit beard, strong jaw, he was well built tall. He was wearing Armani shades and standing under a palm tree holding a cocktail, his fabulous hair flying in the wind.

Name: HODOR HODOR

Description: Hodor hodor! P hodor hodor hodor! U hodor hodor! Hodor! S hodor hodor hodor! S hoddodor! Hododr Y hodor. 3

Cersei read the descriptio and placed her hand on her heart and sobbed passionately. What a wonderful gentleman! She instantly clicked on message

Cersei: _OMG look at that face, you look like my next mistake! Loves a game wanna plaaaaayyy? ;)_

Hodor _: hodor! Y hodor hodor! E hodor hodor hodor! S hodooorrr! ;)_

Cersei _: Magic, madness, heaven, sin, I could show you incredible things!_

Hodor _: L hodor! I hodor hodor! K hooodor! E hhhodor hodor! P hodor hodor! U hodorhodorhodr! S hoooodoooorrr! S hodor hodor! Y hodddor! ❤️❤️❤️_

Cersei _: I'll leave you breathless, or with a nasty scar!_

Hodor _: H hodor hodor I hodor C hooodor hodor K hhhodor hodor E hodddor Y hodorhodorhodr S hodr hoooodoor F hodor R hodorhodor O hhhhh M hhhhoooodddor P hodorhodorhodr A hodor hodor hodor S hodrhodrrrr S hoooodddrrrr I hooodor hooodrrr O hodor N hodr A hodr T hodorhodor E hhhhoooodddor L hodor U hhhodor V hodorhodor ? ;)_

Cersei: _Hodor, no one understands me like you do, I am already in love with you! Thou art my Romeo I am thart thot, thart forevrrrr!_

Cersei immediately arranged a date with hodor! Why it was fate! She danced through the castle and then her iPhone 7 s plus rang! Who could it be?! She checked the caller ID. It was father, Lord Tywin, calling from... Meereen!


End file.
